7 Bald Videogame Badasses

Originally Published in 2012

God of War

As the likes of Bruce Willis and Benito Mussolini have shown us, the ability to be hard as frozen toffee has not in any way been impeded by being as bald as a Yul Brynner marble bag.

Be it bouffant-envy or an excessive amount of vitamin D getting through to the brain, the follically challenged have become renowned for expressing themselves with their knuckles and foreheads for years now, and why not; the streamlined contours of a naked scalp make it perfect for ducking the advances of a rival whilst possibly blinding them with the glare of a nearby spotlight.

This trend continues in the world of videogames, with the unsheathed dome of a character signifying either a lazy development cycle or to herald the arrival of a persona of unmitigated badassery.

By way of honoring these comb-less wonders, we have compiled a list of 7 gaming characters that conclusively show that just because you are bald does not mean you can’t be badass.

7. Agent 47

Agent 47 doesn’t need guns or knives to kill his mark, he doesn’t really need weapons of any sort – he’s just that badass! Usually, a natty disguise, a selection of garden tools and a bug zapper conveniently placed over a Jacuzzi can get the job done. Brilliantly Agent 47’s greatest trick is blending into the background and making the world believe he never existed, an ominous task when your head resembles an over-ripe Galia melon.

Be that as it may, Agent 47 has survived five games and one godawful movie tie-in proving that:

  1. Stealth is easily as effective as bullish ‘cocks out’ aggression
  2. Cheese wire can be a useful addition to any would-be assassin’s arsenal
  3. Baldies are utterly lethal when genetically engineered from the DNA of five of the world’s top criminals. Who knew?

6. Kratos

Kratos has so many issues I don’t know where to start. He’s been to Hades twice, he’s got the ashes of his dead wife and daughter seared onto his skin, his father’s a massive omnipotent dickhead and to top it all off he doesn’t have one hair left on his Spartan slapheaded scalp. Not that the troubled Greek has let any of this get on top of him; Kratos has run rings around the majority of the giant beasties inhabiting Greek mythology with a mere flick of the wrists and a butt of the head.

As far as baldies go only a handful can claim to have wrenched the eyeball from a Cyclops’s head only to show the poor creature its limp body before punting it over a nearby acropolis. I believe Telly Savalas managed a similar feat on the set of The Dirty Dozen but I might be mistaken.

5. Jack

The ability to sport a fleshy bonce is limited not only to the male badasses of the gaming world. Jack from Mass Effect 2 was by far the most badass character in a universe brimming with badasses. This was highlighted by a selection of full-body tattoos, a minute strap protecting her dignity and a head that was strangely reminiscent of kiwi fruit.

4. Kirby

Kirby proves one thing above all else – looks can be deceiving! Having the wispy constitution of a cloud does not mean you can’t deal out the beatings to all and sundry. In Kirby’s case, it’s quite the opposite. Like him or loathe him one thing about the walking pillowcase is undeniably disconcerting – Kirby is a cannibal. His thirst for flesh is unrestricted and untamed, perhaps even encouraged at times. Years of consumption have given ol’ puff-bag a sickly white glow and a vacant gaze as he scours the forest for furry friends to snack on.

Unfortunately, his physical health has deteriorated considerably over the decades of mal-nourishment and now the bald savage even struggles against the easiest of enemies; I mean come on, an apple tree!? Even I could deck an apple tree and I’m soft as poo. Let that be a lesson to cannibals (and apple trees) everywhere.

3. The entire population of Helghan

Nothing screams “GET ME OFF THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLANET” more than losing all your hair, dressing like a cybergoth and declaring war on the entire human race. Unfortunately, this is exactly what the coots of Helghan have had to get used to. Fear not though, as they have channeled this aggression into huge machines of war and destruction, making the Space-Nazi moniker quite appropriate.

Perhaps they should have used their vast industries and natural resources to engineer a huge arsenal of wigs and hairpieces. Would they have been effective in a combat situation? No, but would you rather die looking like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction or live looking like Ben Kingsley in everything he’s ever been in? Thought so.

2. Pac Man

If you ate nothing but pills and cherries for 22 years you’d have lost your hair too. BAD. ASS!

1. Heihachi Mishima

By the time most of us reach the ripe old age of 73 I imagine we will begin slowing down and enjoying the finer things in life: meals on wheels, the cozy embrace of an electric blanket and having a sneaky peek down the ward nurse’s blouse as she changes our catheter.

Not good old Mishima-san though. He relishes not the peace of mind gifted from a June Whitfield approved life insurance program. Instead, he delights in the warm glow one receives listening to the death rattle of your enemy as they expire at your feet. He has not yet achieved full-scale baldness, more of a mismanaged comb-over; were you to say this to his face, however, he would likely punch you in the mouth, rip out your tongue and use it to liberally apply scalp wax to his over-zealous bald patch.

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