When drafting this list, the question of hierarchy arose; a list of the most powerful men who happen to bald, a list of the most bald men who happen to be powerful, or a hybrid of the two?
We’ve gone for the latter – if only because it means we don’t have to have the CEO of Amazon at the shiny, powerful head of this list.
1. Rupert Murdoch
“I’ve squashed entire families like this”
What’s the Deal?
Affectionately known as the Grinch Who Owns Christmas (And All Its Subsidiaries), Mr Murdoch is without doubt one of the most powerful men on the face of the planet. As the founder and CEO of News Corporation, he owns The Sun, The Times, Twentieth Century Fox, HarperCollins, The Wall Street Journal and he formed BSkyB. Show me one guy with hair whose done half as much.
Yes, that really is his wife. And, yes, that really is someone trying to kill them with a sword.
What Makes Him So Powerful?
He owns newspapers. Newspapers help to form opinions; opinions that form the basis of how we vote. Look at Britain; in owning the Sun, he can speak to one class, in owning the Times, another. What does that mean for us? The bald agenda can be pushed upon the hairy millions without their even suspecting it.
Power Score: 9/10
Baldness Score: 8/10
Total: 17/20
2. Vladimir Putin
What’s the Deal?
He’s big, he’s bad, he’s bald, he’s in charge of Russia, he’s got a massive gun and he doesn’t even need a shirt. Oh, and he hunts bears bare and he’s number two on the Forbes list of the most powerful people on the face of the planet. Yes, we admit, he could be a little more bald. But he couldn’t really be much more powerful. Putin’s “democratic” Russia is less democratic than Yeltsin’s communist Russia, making him of incredible power.
“What did you have for breakfast, Vlad?” “Chuck Norris”
What Makes Him So Powerful?
Well, he’s Russia’s de facto leader. They’re on the permanent security council of the UN with the power of veto. They’re a nuclear power. And have you ever looked at Russia on a map? I mean, actually looked at it? The distance from the west of Russia to America is shorter than the distance to the east of Russia. And he’s in charge of it. And he hunts bears bare. Need we say more!?
Power Rating: 11/10
Baldness Rating: 5/10
Total: 16/20
3. Jeff Bezos
Jeff Bezos ranks high in both the baldness and crazy eyes departments.
What’s the deal?
The CEO of Amazon.com, and probably the most bald on our list, Jeff Bezos has both power and hairlessness in abundance. Worth an estimated $19bn, and with estimated earnings of around $1.5m, Jeff is only 47 years old and is number 40 on the Forbes list of the most powerful people on the planet.
“Cough up the Kindle or I’ll bloody well fetch it myself!”
What Makes Him So Powerful?
We suspect it’s his extreme baldness – imagine Sampson from the bible, but backwards. Apart from that, money and influence. The Kindle has revolutionised the publishing industry; amazon has revolutionised shopping in general; the man managed all this with no hair and a hometown that’s spelling defies all logic. Yes, Albuquerque. Power and influence flow from leadership and money.
Now, shut your eyes and spell his hometown.
Thought not.
Power Rating: 6/10
Baldness Rating: 9.5/10
Total: 15.5/20
4. Dalai Lama
You’re never too powerful for a fart joke.
What’s the Deal?
Bucking the trend for evil on the list (see Vladimir Putin; Rupert Murdoch), we have the undoubtedly good Dalai Lama. Officially, the Dalai Lama is the most influential figure in Tibetan Buddhism. They are supposed to be the reincarnation of the previous leader, a fact China seem to be ignoring when they claim they have the right to select the next one. Don’t let any hairy fool tell you bald men aren’t popular: the Dalai Lama has over a million Facebook friends, over 2.8 million Twitter followers, over 7 million Google news hits.
Someone else out to get Mr Murdoch.
What Makes Him So Powerful?
Firstly, his position as leader of Buddhism makes him powerful in the regions of Tibet, Mongolia, parts of India and parts of China. Beyond that, though, the diaspora that follow him is huge and has swelled throughout the Western world. Plus, when his bald head tweets, there are 2.8 million people listening.
Put it this way – if we don’t include sessions on Sid Meier’s Civilisation, try to name one person with hair who can effectively wield power while always wearing a dressing gown.
I bet you get none.
Power Rating: 7/10
Baldness Rating: 7/10
Total: 14/20
Source; source; source; source
5. Maurice Hilleman
- “So, Maurice, you’re definitely bald. What else do you do?”
What’s the Deal?
While you may not be familiar with his name, you’re hopefully familiar with his work. In fact, there’s a good chance that you wouldn’t know some of your friends and family if it wasn’t for him. Why? Because they’d be dead. We wanted to put a bit more of that ‘good’ vibe back in the list of powerful bald men. We want to challenge the stereotype that baldness can only be used for evil; that absolute baldness corrupts absolutely. It doesn’t. Maurice Hilleman, even more than the 14th Dalai Lama, is our evidence.
- Well, I can tell you one thing. It’s definitely a microscope.
What Makes Him So Powerful?
In the strictest sense, he isn’t. As of 2005, he’s dead. But if you consider power the ability to radically alter the lives of others, then he makes the grade with flying colours. So, what did he do? Well, of the 14 vaccines currently recommended in a normal vaccine schedule, he developed eight. That’s more than half.
He is credited with saving more lives than any other scientist this century, something that would put him in the running for having saved the most lives ever.
Power Rating: 4/10
Baldness Rating: 8/10
Total: 12/20
BONUS. Britney Spears
“What did you have for breakfast, Britney?” “CHILDREN”
What’s the Deal?
Fair enough, she isn’t a man and she’s probably not even bald anymore. And she’s not really that powerful, either. That said, she was once all of these things (well, two of them at least), and we thought it would amuse you to see her only a few places behind Vladimir Putin. She has sold over a hundred million albums, though, which is even more than the Dalai Lama has facebook friends.
When Britney Attacks
What Makes Him So Powerful?
Sorry, her. She has access to a huge audience and has a platform to get people to listen to what she has to say. Even if that is limited to ‘Oops I did it again’. Oh, and when she’s in a bad mood, an umbrella. An umbrella makes her powerful.
