I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark here. Australian?
My oh my; how great is humanity? Not only have we been blessed with opposable thumbs, the power of speech and the ability to walk upright on our hinds, but we can also express ourselves through the medium of body hair. I don’t see any dolphins doing that. No Sir; they’re too busy saving surfers and having sex for pleasure.
But whatever; more fool them.
That’s it; I’m cancelling that gym membership and buying me some hair clippers.
We’ve decided to salute some of these “Titans of the Weave” the only way we know how – a countdown list article. But do not think of this as some novelty catalog of misshapen hair growth; no, no, no. This, dear reader, is a rundown of excellence; the Top of the Pops for body hair, if you will.
Dismiss the pretenders and prepare to meet some of the most significant and inspirational human beings since Gandhi, Churchill, Jobs, King, Lincoln, Doggy Dogg, Columbus, Bonaparte and the guy who invented Diet Coke all rolled into one…
Oh yes; they’re that important. Enjoy.
6. Cinematic
Little did The Autobots know, Megatron had a secret party-boy mode.
What’s your favorite film? Ours is Star Wars; we like the way R2D2 and C3P0 are in love with each other and no one gives there forbidden, oily romance a second look. Acceptance is important, and we think we can all learn something from that. We express our love by sending photos of ourselves all dressed as Ewoks to Anthony Daniels and Kenny Baker once a week.
They have yet to get back to us.
The recession had become Bruce Wayne’s newest enemy.
These people express their love of films by shaving images into their body hair. We think both forms of expression are valuable to society, and we humbly commend them for doing so.
5. Sculpted
Who wouldn’t be smiling with a beard that could double as a horseshoe?
What poise, what grace, what precision; these award-winning handlebars show what a lifetime of dedication to the craft of facial hair sculpting can get you.
Jim gets lonely sometimes; so, give him a ring when you can.
Now, the purists among you will be spitting out your cornflakes in disgust at the flagrant and sacrilegious use of beard product on these two examples. But don’t worry; we’ve got that covered later on.
4. Au Naturel
What do you mean you’re not wearing a black mohair onesie? Oh. My. God.
Tom Selleck is three things: sexy, Magnum PI and hairy (in that order). By the laws of repetition, you can also be those three things. In scientific terms, that means you should get hairy, get sexy and become Magnum PI.
Imagine a world with three billion Magnum PI’s…
That’s one sexy world.
There was never a rush to use the gym equipment after Dave had finished doing his circuits.
These men have followed this simple equation and become the man all men dream of becoming. Some may view them as freaks to be pointed at and ostracized from society, but not here; here, they are lauded as the “Master of the Follicles” that they have become.
3. The Entertainer
It’s all fun and games until he has to explain those tan lines to his Mother.
Some people are just born entertainers. They pass through life always one quip away from brightening up everyone’s day. Some resourceful entertainers have taken this art one step further and utilized their own body hair in their quest for laughs. Some say it’s a gift; some say it’s a curse; we think it’s hilarious.
Frank can be so two-faced sometimes.
We must salute these innovators of mirth and thank them for all the smiles they’ve given us over the years. So, next time you see a man with a face tattooed on the back of his head, his ponytail mimicking a beard, give a high five and a kiss on the scalp – he deserves it.
2. The Lothario
Do I love you? Look into my hearts.
Ah the lovers. Je t’aime. Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Non? Is it because I’ve shaved a heart into my chest hair? Yes, yes, it is. Mon Dieu!
Single handedly bringing sexy back.
When attempting to attract the attentions of a delicate young flower, surely nothing says “I love you” like a love heart shaved into your back hair. I imagine this young buck was swatting the nymphets away like flies round a turd. Lucky, lucky man.
1. The Masters
Elmar Weisser: artist, champion, and probably single.
Every pyramid has a peak and every kingdom has a crown. The same is true in the world of body hair. These two gentlemen have reached the top of their craft; they have flown to the heavens and felt the soft caress of God’s breath on their outstretched palms. We give you the champions of body hair.
Bajansinh Juwansinh Gurjar: hero, fashionista, expert ‘tach twirler.
These two gentlemen have shown us all the way when it comes to body hair. Man once looked to the heavens and wondered what the future of our race could accomplish, and these two have answered his question. Revel in their glory and hope that some of their majesty will rub off onto you.
So, there we have it; six fine examples of incredible body hair. I’m sure we can all learn much from the lessons they teach. Unfortunately, not all of us can create such a stir with our well-groomed man fur, but perhaps the less said about this, the better.
I think we’ve found the cause of your partial deafness… as well as your years of isolated loneliness.
So we leave you with this advice; go forth and grow. Just be sure you have thought through your attempt before ending up with a follicle disaster.
Happy grooming.
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